From Nouvelle Cuisine (1991)Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
Nouvelle Cuisine For Travellers
Preface
In preparing this edition of Nouvelle Cuisine for Travellers, we had in mind the unwary couple from Des Moines who find themselves in an upscale restaurant with no idea how to interpret the menu, let alone knowing how to behave in a proper manner. We have taken into consideration a wealth of suggestions received from veteran phrase-book users. Unfortunately, as a first-edition guide to surviving Nouvelle Cuisine, we cannot predict the response which you might receive to any given phrase, but we can guarantee that you will receive a response!
What’s on the Menu?
Our menu is presented according to courses. If you get stuck on one of our courses, you may want to show it to the waiter; then again, you may want to keep it to yourself.
The wary traveler will notice that many items on the menu are not food at all but simply put there to slip you up and reveal your ignorance to the wait staff. A small “e” (edible) or “n” (not edible) has been placed after each item to assist in this regard.
Mastering the tricky menus at Nouvelle Cuisine establishments will start you down that road to intimidating waiters while you impress your date.
Appetizers
Beignet aux champignons (e) Wheaties
Beluga (e) Whale (avoid this one)
Capucine Muscovite (e) Russian coffee
Cruditds (n) Dirty Jokes
Crabe b la Parisienne (n) Citizen of Paris
Moule Crue (n) Team of Asses
Tomate au Than A la Mayonnaise (e) Tomato with tons of mayonnaise
Beverages
Babeurre (n) Elephant stories
Ch6vre au Lait (n) American Car
Jus de fruits (e) Just Fruit
Main Courses
Blanquefte de Veau A I’ancienne (n) Old Bed Spread
Chamois au Roux de Morbier (e) Wash Cloth with Road Kill
Crevette en Brochette (n) Necktie on a skewer
Hachis de Bmuf (e) Beef cooked in Marijuana
Lou Maigret (n) Ex-prime minister’s bathroom
Timbale de jambon (n) Musical Instrument
Side Dishes & Breads
Pain Fantaisie (n) Whips and Chains
Pain Polka (n) Lawrence Welk Show
Polenta (e) Some kind of Chicken dish
Desserts
Bombe Grenade (e) Killer Dessert
Cittronnat (n) French Astronaut
Coupe Jacque (n) Winery Delivery Vehicle
Dame Blanche (e) Clarence Thomas’s Wife
Gateau Framboise (e) Flaming Cat
Negre en Chemise (e) Black lady in her underwear
Pais Condi (?) Pear with Rubber Coating
Tarte Maison (e) House of ill repute
Useful Complaints and Comments
In spite of the assistance lent by this guide, you may find yourself in a situation where a complaint or comment in French might be useful to gaining the upper hand. The following French phrases will be sure to bring you results:
Pourquoi ce retard? Why are you retarded?
Envoyez-moi donc le maitre d’h6tel. Bring me the jackass who runs this joint.
Gardez la monnaie. Watch the cash register; someone’s up to no good.
Au secours! Could I have seconds?
Les c6teleftes sont trop cuites. The waitresses here are really cute.
J’ai faim. I’m gay.
Begin by selecting a morsel below or from the sandy column just to the right -->
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