Cameron Winery -- sustainably farmed, non-irrigated, Oregon pinot noir and chardonnay

Preface

In preparing this edition of Nouvelle Cuisine for Travellers, we had in mind the unwary couple from Des Moines who find themselves in an upscale restaurant with no idea how to interpret the menu, let alone knowing how to behave in a proper manner. We have taken into consideration a wealth of suggestions received from veteran phrase-book users. Unfortunately, as a first-edition guide to surviving Nouvelle Cuisine, we cannot predict the response which you might receive to any given phrase, but we can guarantee that you will receive a response!

What’s on the Menu?

Our menu is presented according to courses. If you get stuck on one of our courses, you may want to show it to the waiter; then again, you may want to keep it to yourself.

The wary traveler will notice that many items on the menu are not food at all but simply put there to slip you up and reveal your ignorance to the wait staff. A small “e” (edible) or “n” (not edible) has been placed after each item to assist in this regard.

Mastering the tricky menus at Nouvelle Cuisine establishments will start you down that road to intimidating waiters while you impress your date.

Appetizers

Beignet aux champignons (e) Wheaties

Beluga (e) Whale (avoid this one)

Capucine Muscovite (e) Russian coffee

Cruditds (n) Dirty Jokes

Crabe b la Parisienne (n) Citizen of Paris

Moule Crue (n) Team of Asses

Tomate au Than A la Mayonnaise (e) Tomato with tons of mayonnaise

Beverages

Babeurre (n) Elephant stories

Ch6vre au Lait (n) American Car

Jus de fruits (e) Just Fruit

Main Courses

Blanquefte de Veau A I’ancienne (n) Old Bed Spread

Chamois au Roux de Morbier (e) Wash Cloth with Road Kill

Crevette en Brochette (n) Necktie on a skewer

Hachis de Bmuf (e) Beef cooked in Marijuana

Lou Maigret (n) Ex-prime minister’s bathroom

Timbale de jambon (n) Musical Instrument

Side Dishes & Breads

Pain Fantaisie (n) Whips and Chains

Pain Polka (n) Lawrence Welk Show

Polenta (e) Some kind of Chicken dish

Desserts

Bombe Grenade (e) Killer Dessert

Cittronnat (n) French Astronaut

Coupe Jacque (n) Winery Delivery Vehicle

Dame Blanche (e) Clarence Thomas’s Wife

Gateau Framboise (e) Flaming Cat

Negre en Chemise (e) Black lady in her underwear

Pais Condi (?) Pear with Rubber Coating

Tarte Maison (e) House of ill repute

Useful Complaints and Comments

In spite of the assistance lent by this guide, you may find yourself in a situation where a complaint or comment in French might be useful to gaining the upper hand. The following French phrases will be sure to bring you results:

Pourquoi ce retard? Why are you retarded?

Envoyez-moi donc le maitre d’h6tel. Bring me the jackass who runs this joint.

Gardez la monnaie. Watch the cash register; someone’s up to no good.

Au secours! Could I have seconds?

Les c6teleftes sont trop cuites. The waitresses here are really cute.

J’ai faim. I’m gay.