Newsletters

I’m sure you remember my original rise to fame in 1997, when I launched my magazine of exquisite taste, Martha Cameron Living. But following some unfortunate “misunderstandings”, I found myself sojourning in charming West Virginia for a brief period of time. Luckily, I found the difference between curating my big house and the Big House to be minimum (security). While there, I perfected the craft of license plate manufacture and cuisine pénale as seen in Martha’s Restricted Living.

I have to admit that the years following my time in the Bastille weren’t easy, living dividend to dividend on re-posted seasonal cookie recipes, peddling Bic lighters & smoking blunts with Snoop, selling CBD-infused pâte de fruits and drinking low end Cameron Chardonnay.

But now at last, a second act! Last summer, I received a call from Sports Inebriated Magazine, and now histoire has been made by my appearance as the sexiest and oldest cover model in their Magazine!

I know, I’m fabulous! My vermeil tresses, my resplendent décolleté!

And now that I have your undivided attention, as the OG of influencers it’s only fitting that I influence your purchases for the upcoming holiday season.

November is a very important month here at my estate in the quaint hamlet of Dundee, Oregon. It’s when my minions rush to stow away the harvest equipment and start labeling our soon-to-be-released vin du pays. You can find my lovingly crafted Fall collection of wines here!

And while you’re at it, why not sign up for future editions of our newsletter?

Dear Cameron Winery Enthusiast,

You know how important marketing is to a winery. We certainly do, as you can tell from the flood of one newsletter we create every year (psst: this is that newsletter).

But that’s not all our vast, multi-national marketing agency says it does for us.

“We’re constantly innovating,” they explain when we track them down at the Day Spa. “For example, Cameron is now in a major motion picture!”

Gosh, that’s fantastic! What’s the movie?

It’s called Pig, and it stars Nicolas Cage! Set in present-day Oregon, it’s the story of a tormented former chef who has become a forest-dwelling hermit with the bathing and hairstyle habits of a Sasquatch, and whose cherished truffle-foraging pig is abducted by junkie commandos, under cover of darkness, to parts unknown. It is Cage’s solemn but emoting quest to retrieve said pig and an Oscar along with it.
Now, I know that sounds a little weird, but this is actually a real movie! And Cameron is featured prominently!

Amazing! How long are we on screen?

Well, you’re looking at it: about one frame… But this isn’t just any frame: it’s one in a scene where Cage recreates the best meal one of the characters ever had. What wine could possibly pair with that? The producers decided it could only be ours!
Well, okay, that is pretty nice. That’s… wait: “The producers decided”? This wasn’t a product placement or cross-promotion?

Er… no. We had no idea this was happening. Eh, but that’s even more flattering, don’t you think?
[ Picture us glowering. Just what have we been paying these people for all these years? ]

As if reading our pink-slipping thoughts, the team bounds off their massage tables into full powerpoint laser pen mode, leaving their towels (and shame) behind.

Pig marks the culmination of our decades-long campaign to raise the profile of Cameron! We’ve just had a bit of bad luck along the way. Take a look!

Our first foray into product placement could have been paradigm-shifting: Casablanca, a film pushed out along with hundreds of others during the war, would became one of the greatest movies in film history.

But sadly, a critical scene in which Rick was supposed to plumb the depths of alcoholic despair was held up when Bogart found it impossible to look miserable while drinking the Cameron in front of him. A quick-thinking prop master substituted Goldschläger in an unmarked bottle, and a newly grim Bogart nailed the revised scene in a single take.

But wait, 1943? That was decades before we even…

“But we didn’t give up,” they steamroll. “We knew Bogart was a hot property, so just a few years later…”

In the original script, Humphrey Bogart’s boat brought not only supplies up the river, but cases of much-needed Cameron wine. After an argument with him, Katharine Hepburn’s teetotaling character was to dump it all into the river in retaliation.

But reading through the action before the scene, Hepburn, a woman of surpassing taste and culture, balked, telling the director “I will do no such thing to so fine a wine!” The ensuing argument ended abruptly when they returned to the set and discovered all five cases had mysteriously disappeared — along with most of the production staff. As a precaution, shooting resumed a few days later with gin, which the lack of ice on set rendered undrinkable, even for film crews.

Clearly, the film business was trickier to break into than we’d thought. But marketing is about plucky resiliency: if something doesn’t work, learn from your mistakes, blame them on someone else, borrow a new idea, and call it your own.

In the mid-sixties, Sean Connery was at the peak of his Bond-driven fame. What could be better than pairing a sophisticated, international man of mystery with the mysterious, international sophisticates at Cameron wine? On the mistaken (but uncorrected!) assumption that Cameron was a brand sharing his Scottish roots, Connery was open to the idea, especially considering his compensation. “Love me that money penny,” he kept muttering, archly raising a manly brow.

But as you remember,

Wait, what?

once we started the photo shoot, Connery got into a kilt-lifting argument with our teenaged winemaker, John Paul. “I like my wine shaken, not swirled,” the actor proclaimed. You stormed off, taking the wine – and our best shot at fame – with you.

Oh come on! You expect anyone to believe that? It’s…

…Uh, so that one’s on you. But soon enough, another opportunity made our mission seem possible …

Fresh off the success of Top Gun, Tom Cruise was the hottest star around, so on the set of his next movie, we bribed a prop man with a gallon of hair gel to swap our wine for one of the liquor bottles Cruise had learned to juggle. Everything was going smoothly until one of his wilder tricks spilled Cameron wine into a glass of seltzer water, inadvertently inventing Cameron Spritz Rosé but exposing the truth: “This is no cocktail wine!” Cruise shouted at the couth-less crew, deftly double-twirling a cork over his shoulder and into the bottle, whispering “you complete me” and tucking it away for later.

Deciding the film business was just too risky, it would be 23 years before we tried again. But oh, by Odin’s beard, that time our quest seemed destined for glory.

As it happened, star Chris Hemsworth felt so passionately about Cameron wines he believed they gave him — and by extension, his character Thor — super powers. While this is certainly true, this also meant he insisted his character’s magical weapon (Mjolnir) be no other than a bottle of Clos Electrique, originating one of the movie’s most famous lines, “This drink, I like it! Another!”

But needless to say, it made for an awkward weapon, and as we saw above, Cameron wines are best swirled, not shaken. The standoff lasted until the day before shooting, when Hemsworth got a little too “hammered” on a bottle of 2009 Abbey Ridge and the prop department took him at his word.

Okay, we’ve heard enough. You’re all fired!

Oh, I know: a promotional mouse pad…?
Out!

Okay, fine. But before we go, if we were you we’d ask anyone who’s made it this far to sign up for your yearly mailer-- go to the 'Connect' site page!

In a not-so-remote valley in Northern Oregon, four intrepid explorers discovered a stunning, hidden treasure. On the eve of our 35th Anniversary, journey with them into the dark abyss of time to unearth the primitive culture that created this, the Cave of Fermented Dreams…

(… and – here’s a coincidence – our 2017 single vintage wines as well).

Thanks to Matt Giraud and Gyroscope Pictures for helping us bring this world-shattering discovery up into the light of day!

(To see this ground-breaking documentary at the size of your choosing – and in glorious HD!)

Cameron Winery’s guide to making Pinot Noir

On a sunlit day in September, the Cameron Winery Vinfolk gathered in our bucolic vineyard to share stories, break bread and explore the nuances of Pinot noir.

And now, in celebration of the release of our 2013 single vintage wines, we invite you join our community and watch this hand crafted video that, at last, shares one family recipe for making Pinot noir.

(* To see the video at the size of your choosing, click the Vimeo logo or click here.)

Did you know that you can give us money? And then we can do whatever we want with it? Man, is this a great country, or what?!

That’s why we started a campaign to fund… well, we’ll think of something later. The important part is you giving us money! To encourage your generosity, we’ve vinted up a slew of incentives for every budget that we know you’ll like. Check out our video* for our gripping presentation of them all, and then back us by visiting our vast network of representatives to, yes, hand us money in exchange for these exciting (and delicious) 750ml incentives!

Money for our vague plans, incentives for you! What could be better than that?!

Special thanks to Matt Giraud at Gyroscope Pictures, who directed, shot and cut this plea in exchange for a post card from Monkeys Eyebrow, Kentucky. He expects to wait a long time.

A Year in the Making is a Cameron Winery propaganda film that condenses 12 months in the Clos Electrique vineyard into 12 minutes. Produced by Jeremy Fenske and Elaine Skinner, it stars the grand crew and farm animals of vintage 2012.

Coq-au-van

The Birds

The AGE1HAVE1 Wine Flu and You

What is Wine Flu?

Wine Flu is a global vindemic that is spreading bottle-to-person worldwide, probably in much the same way as venereal disease.

What are the Risk Factors for Wine Flu?

There are a number of factors which might put one at increased risk for contracting the Wine Flu. These include but are not limited to: being over the age of 21, finding yourself within 6 feet of a bottle of Cameron wine, receiving a holiday bonus or hanging out in retail wine shops. The main risk factor is contact with an infectiously exuberant Cameron fan.

How do I know if I have the Wine Flu?

You may have the Wine Flu if you have some or all of the following symptoms: euphoria, reduced inhibition, erratic behavior and verbosity often culminating in a propensity for singing drinking songs.

What should I do if I get the Wine Flu?

You should definitely not stay home where depression might set in. The rational course of action is to look for social events including our Open House.

Are there remedies to treat the 2009 Wine Flu?

YES! In fact we suggest consulting the following pharmacies: [Just click on the 'Local Retailers' Page].

CCC

Marketing

Any savvy businessman knows that the success of your business depends on image, not the quality of your product. Therefore: lots of caps, T-shirts, fleece and engraved wine glasses with your logo. Key chains are particularly catchy items as they promote drinking and driving.

Scarcity Angle: small lots (such as a half barrel of nebbiolo) are great for creating perceived exclusivity. Put it in an etched bottle and declare it to be "Coeur du Barrique."

"We tasted from several different regions within the same barrel in order to select this wine" John Paul, Newsletter, Fall 2007.

Reviews, Reviews, Reviews: Do Not send a bottle off your bottling line for review; in fact, don't send a bottle of your own wine. Rather purchase a recipient of a high score, decant it into one of your bottles and then send it to your favorite publication. These are known as "WMD's" (Wines of Mass Deception).

"Only an amateur would send their own wine to a critic and leave it up to chance ... get your head in the game!" Hans Brix, WMD Inspector, Cameron Newsletter, Fall 2007.

Blind Tastings (hint: not so blind) Pick your tasters carefully (e.g. paid employees whose livelihood depends on the financial success of your winery; or first year culinary students who know nothing about wine). Make sure that your winemaker is part of the group, can pick out his own wines and is adept at influencing the other tasters. Be sure to include several very expensive European wines in the tasting.

A great tactic for survival is to let your customers underwrite your risk, especially if you can get them to pony up before they even know what the wine is going to taste like (sic).

"Remember that the difference between "swill" and "swell" is 'i'." Richard Gehrts, Red Hills Revolutionary Workshop, Summer 2007.

Our gritty, hard-hitting, tell-all documentary.

“Wine is all about image,” declares hipster consultant Michel Ard’on, and we couldn't agree more -- after all, we paid him to tell us to say that. And so, taking his advice to heart, we re-branded our mailer this year as a moving image, a documentary which shines the hard light of truth into the dark, stuffy closet of the wine industry, revealing... well, what do we have back in there? A few coats... an umbrella... woah! micro-oxygenation -- so small! ... and -- hey, the Wine Advocate! So that's where we left it! And... I know it's in here somewhere... Aha! Mondo Ego!

(Thanks to Matt Giraud for directing, shooting, and cutting together this flick.)

The Crossword Puzzle

ACROSS

1. Vineyard overlooking Papists
6. Attaches grape to vine, must be removed to prevent wine from smelling like the back of an LA schoolbus
10. Mother acid of all vinegars
15. Skinny dipping at Cameron
17. Thin, low pH wine
19. Tart
20. Greatest viticultural area in America (abbrev)
21. Italian quality designation
22. nname of an annimal that eeats ttincans
26. Renegade winemaking association
30. Cameron’s biggest wine market outside of NW
31. Major component of California wines
32. Answer to you if you act like 28 down (abbrev)
33. Nemesis for 20-year-olds
34. Wine edges
35. Characteristic of irrigated wines
37. Type of school that your purchases will help finance
39. Nemesis for smokers, gun owners and winemakers
41. Recommended attire for 15 across
42. Analytical instrument
43. Vuole comprare il vino lei?
45. Car driven by owner of Gino’s (abbrev)
47. The secret to wines of depth and complexity
49. Fermented to completion
50. Noir
52. XLN_________
53. Likes both Pinot noir and Chardonnay
54. Can’t drink Cameron wines here without losing your head
55. An innoculum to some, an infection to others
58. What you will have to do if you visit Cameron on Nov 25 or Nov 26, 2005
60. Cameron’s newest wine variety
67. Descriptor for 2003 Abbey Ridge Pinot noir
69. Dundee Hills is an _________
70. Type of cry required to find a wine as good as Cameron
71. Size that most men profess when referring to their pinots (abbrev)
72. Doggone good wine

DOWN

1. Society for either hypothyroids, people who kick ass, or people who have ringing in their ears (abbrev)
2. Leads to drinking and dialing syndrome
3. Viticultural province to the north
4. Color of Clos Electrique
5. Thing you should shift if you are a merlot drinker
6. Amount of crop on the vines
7. Measure of acidity in wine (abbrev)
8. Screaming ________
9. If anyone orders _________ I'm walking out.
11. Shockingly good vineyard
12. Financial coalition (abbrev)
15. It’s a hard grape to grow, it’s thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early, it’s not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and thrive even when it’s neglected, it needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand its potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they’re just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and ancient on the planet!
16. Personality component that makes you demand another glass of Cameron
18. A woman’s place
23. Cameron’s newest Pinot noir vineyard
24. Once you get past this, you’ve got it licked
25. The inside of a barrel
26. What you do once your wine has settled
27. Not corked
28. What you’ll feel like if you don’t buy 2003 Cameron wines
29. Lacking body
30. Favorite answer to all your requests at Cameron winery
36. Condition of the vineyard after roto-tilling in August
38. It can be noble
40. Can describe a Pinot noir or a chicken
43. Wine drinking for Mormons
44. A box for grapes, a middle name for a terrorist
46. Political "dialogue" with John Paul
48. Study of winemaking
49. A Cooper who never made a barrel
50. Degrees of sugar
51. Birthplace of John Paul (abbrev)
56. Fruity aroma in Pinot bianco
57. Medical procedure that will really screw up your ability to smell Pinot noir
59. Suffix following Bill Wayne
61. Relative of gnome in Brickhouse vineyard
62. California Pinot noir descriptor
63. Place to drink wine or what Cameron has raised
64. This is (what a Burgundyphile says about Cameron)
65. Costs more than wine
66. Bottle limit for Cameron’s Screaming Ego
68. What you feel when you finish this #$%@ puzzle

The Borgata

Don Giovanni “Big Pauly” Head of the Cameroni family; Pinot noir produttoro but secretly addicted to Barolo; as the “Boss”, Giovanni decides what wine gets made and what gets whacked.

Gugliehno “Mad Dog” Veloce Acting consigliere to Don Giovanni; no known legitimate occupation, prison reports show he spent his time reading Road & Track magazine; known to have a penchant for Burgundy wines.

Giuliano “Little Pauly” Reputed underboss to Giovanni; Giuliano advertises his status by wearing it.

Johnny “Pretty Boy” Tomasso Not just another jamook on the street, a made guy and longtime business ally of the Cameronis; provides inside information on the Irrigare Borgata; runs shady bootlegging business under the name “Acme.”

Cristo Import from Napoli, a wise guy reporting directly to “Pretty Boy” Tomasso. His Goomah was formerly a professional dancer at the Bada Bung and is now his business partner.

Rosso “Bugsy” Proviso Another neighborhood tough guy and sometime Pinot pusher; passionate in his disdain for Irrigare shenanigans; known to possess grandi stugoti.

Guido “Scarface” Bugsy’s most trusted soldier, extremely short fuse and affinity for mayhem; the kind of punk who would mangle a hot dog guy over too many onions.

Don Rolando Sogliola Head of the Irrigari family, first sent as an emissary by the head of the Australian Mafia to over see interests in the North America; his main nemesis amongst the Dundee unorganized crime circuit is Don Giovanni.

Tony “The Rat” Silvio California-based mobster but believed to report to the Irrigari family in Oregon; acquired nickname from the cellars that he frequents in the Dundee Hills; whacked by the Cameroni family after fraternizing with California racket.

Comparison Test: Grape Bin Transporters

Here are the candidates for Yamhill County Car & Driver's cornhole award for the best GBT of 2003. Every year our staff gets peppered with the question: "What's the best GBT?" Because we are serious car enthusiasts who possess tremendous knowledge and experience in the consumption of copious quantities of wine, we proudly present to you, our readers, this in-depth information on the newest and most exciting GBT's from CAMERON's 2003 vintage.
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FIRST PLACE: BMF Series 2

The fact that such a classic vehicle won this competition against premium competitors is a testament to its sturdy 2-unit chassis powered by a box of doughnuts and lubricated by a glass of Cameron Pinot noir. Though its 0-60 mph sprint could not touch the PJ Cruiser, its offer of sublime performance and front-driving turbo-based engines carried the day.
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SECOND PLACE: PJ Cruiser

This neo-classic GBT was the consummate choice of those on the staff for whom speed and levitation trump style and affordability. But its boxy shape reminded the rest of us of a Hummer. This immediately relegated it to a lower finish.
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THIRD PLACE: JD750

Don't let the ease of driving the JD750 fool you. After a few laps around the vineyard even the dog was asleep. With great offroad capabilities and the clear choice to pull the FLX45 out of the mud, it was clearly inferior to the BMF Series 2 when it came to turning radius, power train and special amenities.
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FOURTH PLACE: FLX45

While the FLX45 offered the stiffest suspension and was flawless on the tarmack, its off-road prowess was clearly lacking. Its mass pushes relentlessly and it has no appetite for vigorous driving. Hey, we didn't expect it to end up at the bottom of the list but when those grape bins fell over and crushed Skeeter well.

A LETTER FROM MARTHA

AS WE APPROACH THE COMING HOLIDAY SEASON, I am guardedly optimistic that I will be able to turn my Bastille into a chambre de fete. Since my new home has given added meaning to the term "insider," this year I find myself needing to think outside of the box.

Making new friends can be challenging and I am only now beginning to understand the nuances of the term "Penal institution." I am here to assure you that good things do come in very small packages. With my new friends I have discovered an entirely new assortment of affairs with which to be concerned. In this issue Of MARTHA CAMERON'S RESTRICTED LIVING we devote our unrestrained attention to topics such as beauty sleep, cooking detenu and home improvement.

Please, sit back, relax and have someone pour you a glass of Cameron as you devote your unfettered attention to this issue.
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What's for Dinner? Recipes for Jailbirds

It always happens on a clear day in the Fall with a nip in the air that reminds me that winter is on the way. The quiet is shattered by indistinct chattering and a few notes of song. I look out the cell window and see arrowwood viburnums in the exercise yard alive with cedar waxwings which will make this year's holiday bird! To catch them you will need Martha's rustic trap (demonstrated above). Materials include a bucket, string, piece of wood and a craft saw (useful for other projects as well). Try to bait the trap with tasty morsels such as sauteed polenta.

With little birds in hand (I like to be sure that I have at least one per serving with perhaps an extra one for Bubba to show him that I care), you will need to pluck those pesky feathers. Rub generously with olive oil and stuff with wild garlic. Now with legs jauntily askew our formerly feathered friends can dance festively on the grill. These little game birds will make a handsome holiday dish.
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ask Martha

Dear Martha,

The stresses of life in a minimum security prison have caused unsightly frown lines to appear on my forehead. How can I get rid of them?

Margaret Giraud
San Diego Correctional Institution

There is a simple nonsurgical procedure that can dramatically reduce even your toughest wrinkle. Homemade Botox starts with 2 humble ingredients: canned mushrooms and a healthy innoculum of Clostridium botulonii, While this neurotoxin is normally difficult to obtain, a mass poisoning of the prison population will be your clue that this substance is at hand. A few tiny injections of the liquid portion from the contaminated can will relax the muscles between your brows that cause the lines to form. The most common side effects of this treatment will be headache, temporary eyelid droop, nausea, dyspnea and death.
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Thanksgiving Tips

When the Thanksgiving dinner crowd is in a large cafeteria setting, free-for-all seating does not always lead to happy guests. Place Cards insure that inmates sit with someone they know and conversation flows freely. Besides, attractive cards can add to the festive atmosphere at the table. It's awkward when you don't know the name of the new inmate especially if his name is Bubba and he's seated across from you. Solve this problem with Tent Place Cards which display the name on both sides.
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HooseGlass?

Here's a charming way to help guests at this large party keep track of their wine glass.
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Crafts: Creating with License Plates

Here at Angel Peak Minimum Security Prison Ini learning that license plates are for more than just cars. While making vanity plates naturally appeals to me, there are so many other creative outlets for these metal marvels. The license plate bird house is particularly nice and you should expect to attract jailbirds with it.
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Healthy Living: How to Fall Asleep

Sleep deprivation can take quite a toll on your appearance: dark circles or puffiness around the eyes as well as a lackluster complexion, Insuring that you fall asleep and stay asleep is a little tricky when Bubba is on the lower bunk. First create a bedtime ritual that you and Bubba can follow every night. For some people reading in bed or listening to a little quiet Music lulls them to sleep. For Bubba it might require a big stick. If nighttime stress is still a problem, you can ensure that your sleeping environment is conducive to drifting off by keeping an electric stun gun stuffed under your mattress. This will persuade Bubba to obey his instincts somewhere other than in your bunk.
An exercise regimen will help reduce stress, one of the biggest causes of insomnia. Here Martha teaches her new friends how to bust out. Note that vertical stripes are more slimming.
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Buying Cameron Wines

A bottle of Cameron wine can make any table setting shine. You can purchase these gems at wine shops, singly or in units of 12. Alternatively, you might select the winery, itself, for a direct purchase though you will find your best deals at the local retail shops. Mix varieties to enliven your meals or simply buy your favorite!

2001 Cameroni Giuliano

This is a tribute to the imagination of the youngest winemaker at Cameron. 2001 was an awesome white wine vintage as this wine attests. It is a blend of Chardonnay, Auxerrois, Pinot bianco, Pinot grigio and muscato in a style reminiscent of Northern Italy.

$15.00/bottle
$162.00/case

2000 Abbey Ridge Chardonnay

Another very ageable white wine from Abbey Ridge, this year's Chardonnay is supremely elegant with soft pear and vanilla overtones. The extended contact with the yeast sediment (for nearly two years) gives the wine a deceptively long finish.

$30.00/bottle
$324.00/case

2000 Clos Electrique Blanc

Slowly but surely the world is waking up to the white wine from Clos Electrique: vibrant and mouth-filling and dead ringer for much more expensive White Burgundies. The 2000 blanc was fermented and aged in neutral wood barrels for nearly two years with no intervention, The result is mouth-watering.

$39.00/bottle
$420.00/case

2000 Arley's Leap Pinot noir

The label has changed but the wine is still the best buy in Oregon Pinot noir: wafts of coffee intermingle with black cherry and the mouth is voluptuous.

$25.00/bottle
$270.00/case

2000 Abbey Ridge Pinot noir

When the temperature in the fermenters climbed to 92 degrees, beautiful women entered the brew. Surely it could be nothing less than impressive: typical Abbey Ridge floral aromas with smokey overtones.

$35.00/bottle
$378.00/case

2000 Clos Electrique Rouge

If the warden were to allow you only a single bottle of Oregon wine, this would be the one. The 2000 vintage from the vineyard within the electric fence will most likely rival 1993 as the greatest wine produced from this site. I would happily keep it all for myself but my spouse insists on sharing it.

S39.00/bottle
S420.00/case

As the head of a failing dot com venture, Mr. Pelias knew only too well that a young upstart would likely be vying soon for his position. Thus did he make haste, as any responsible CEO in his position would, to the Oracle at Cameron. After plying the sooth-sayer with ample quantities of good wine, a prophecy was forth coming: in addition to rantings about washed out wines from irrigated vines and the stupidity of buying Pinot noir on futures, Pelias did manage to glean useful dialogue relating to an employee who would usurp his position, and that he should be aware of anyone shod in only a single sandal. Indeed, upon his return to his small kingdom he did notice just such a person and was afraid:

Pelias: "You, with the one sandal!"
Jason: "I can explain"
P: "Hush, the oracle has spoken: your name is Jason!"
J: "Well, no, actually it's Richard"
P: "Do not beguile me with deceit and lies; speak truthfully; do you not wish to be in charge around here?"
J: "That'd be cool!"
P: "You see, the Oracle of Cameron does not lie! But I cannot hand over my 7-series BMW, my golden parachute and my worthless stock options without first a deed performed. The prophecy requires that you seek out the Golden Fleece of Oregon wine ... the most ludicrously expensive bottle of wine yet released to the marketplace."

In his heart, Pileas knew that the perils of such a venture all but precluded its success thereby securing his existence at the top. Jason, being an inveterate wine drinker and proud owner of a tastevin, was delighted at the prospect of this great adventure. Other young men of the dot com joyfully met the challenge; they came the best and the noblest to join his cause and upregulate their alcohol dehydrogenase. They came armed with all accouterments for the coming engagement: Wine Spectators, Wine Advocates and Riedel stemware, credit cards, checkbooks and cash. Great perils lay before them ... the clashing cars of the Terwilliger Curves, the misaligned stoplights of Tigard, the speedtraps in Sherwood and the pedestrian wineries along the way posing as "the real thing." They set forth in their SUV, a "Ford Argos."

The argonauts soon came to a tasting room overrun with frightful creatures thrusting their glasses in the face of the poor attendant, Phineus. Possessing an unerring ability to tell the future, Phineus had predicted that a $100 wine would appear in Oregon. The idea of a mere mortal charging deistic prices unleashed Harpies from the financial district upon the poor man ... every time that Phineus attempted to pour a glass of wine for himself the screeching hellions would swoop in thrusting their wine glasses in his face so (See Edith Hamilton, Mythology p. 11 9) that he had not a chance to taste the wine himself. His blood alcohol was pitifully low and as the Argonauts listened to his lamentations, they agreed to help. The swiftest amongst them flew to the front door, tossed a log in the path of the Harpies and presented a "Closed" sign defiantly in front of them, thereby thwarting the screeching bests forever. In gratitude, Phineus gave them wise advice about the dangers ahead...at the French winery up the road the Argonauts should carry a boom box to protect them from the Sirens and their seductive song. They were to ignore false pretenders of the Golden Fleece, wineries beginning with the letters "A" and "T." At the site of the beguiling Sirens (a slightly disheveled Martha and her friend Willamina [see Martha Cameron Living]) melodious verse did descend upon the adventurers, with more than a few wishing for a headlong dash into that ambrosial vat.

Jason quickly switched on the boom box to Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass, the spell was broken. And though a few disregarded the advice regarding false pretenders, still most of the crew did at last arrive at the fabled land of the Golden Fleece, Cameron Winery. If the previous trials made them pale, these were nothing compared to what the Argonauts now faced. As they drove into the sacred parking lot and prepared to exit the Argos, two men (at least) appeared as if from nowhere, William Wallace-like, brandishing swords and shillelaghs, cudgels and halberds, wild of hair and eyes, screaming and howling and hurling epithets like "Bugger off!" and "Eeeeyyyaarrghgh."

They descended upon the Argonauts, a fiery, foul juggernaut of filth and fury, death and dismay. Mortal dread clutched the very hearts of the intrepid adventurers, cold sweat exploding from their foreheads and not a few soiling their pants as they jammed their vessel in reverse, blazing like hellcats out the gate. They parked at the bottom of the driveway where they could contemplate their frail existence.

At this point, when the Argonauts were completely disheartened, there appeared a sorceress, Media, possessor of magic and charms, calmly driving up in her own SUV with an eye on the young Jason. Media knew the way around the wild men of Cameron and agreed to help the Argonauts in their quest for the Golden Fleece. At first sight of the kilt-clad harbingers of doom, the crew hid behind the unscathable Media. She did not quaver, shake or flutter but calmly launched into an unwavering discourse on the wines of Sardinia followed immediately by a dialogue on the ancestry of Rioja grape varieties. The belligerents were at first sullen, then bored and finally completely and unalterably reduced to a somnolent state. The Argonauts simply stepped over them and proceeded on through the front door.

Before they could claim their prize, however, Media needed to work her magic once more. A ferocious, ill-tempered beast lay between the men and their coveted trophy. Media launched into a monotonous oration on Bordelaise vintages of the last thirty years. The cantankerous brute was no match for the soporific dialogue set before it, and passed out cold.

The Argonauts pooled their resources for the remuneration and the Golden Fleece was theirs!

THE WINES

THE GOLDEN FLEECE

1999 Screaming Ego: A very limited offering from the best barrel of wine in Cameron's cellar. Imagine your friends' response when you announce that you are about to uncork your Screaming Ego!

SILK

Soft and velvety, requiring an outlay of cash but worth the price.

1999 Abbey Ridge Pinot noir: Perhaps the best bottling of this vineyard designate in the 20-year history of Abbey Ridge. This is a stunning wine with age-worthiness galore.

1999 Clos Electrique Rouge: The biggest, most full-bodied wine of the vintage (as usual), this offering of Clos Electrique delivers everything that one would expect from this vineyard. It is so age-worthy that drinking it now would have to be considered infanticide.

1999 Abbey Ridge Chardonnay: Francois Jobard knows what he's doing so we've incorporated some of his ideas into this wine: Fermented in older barrels and left undisturbed on the yeast lees for nearly two years before racking and bottling without filtration. If you love White Burgundy, you owe it to yourself to try this wine.

1999 Clos Electrique Blanc: This vintage of the blanc will rival the 1996 and may even surpass it: Vibrant, mouth-filling and with tremendous aging potential (and very, very limited).

POLYESTERS

Less expensive but quite durable and easily substituting for the "real thing" on a Wednesday night!

1999 Arley's Leap Pinot noir: Fabled Clos Electrique clones planted at Abbey Ridge in 1990 and still too young to be included in the "Abbey Ridge" bottling but possessing incredible depth and aroma in its own right.

1999 Croft Pinot noir: A well-known vineyard closer to the Coast Range producing wines with bright black cherry aromas and sturdy middle palates.

2000 Cameroni Giuliano: Northern Italian-style Chardonnay blended with 15% Auxerrois and 5% Pinot bianco: A very flavorful and aromatically complex white wine. Polyester price but Italian silk feel!

Scientists at Cameron Community College have unearthed what they describe as "one of the most significant discoveries of early hominid fossils by untenured professors." The nearly complete skeleton was discovered by utility workers in suburban Portland. According to foreman Huey R. Skiruinov, "It was Joe's turn to work, so the rest of the boys and me (sick) were having a smoke when Joe noticed a bone sticking out from the hole he had dug." The alert workers contacted scientists at CCC who arrived with the necessary implements of archeology.

Researchers were at first struck by the fibula which had already been unearthed by the utility workers and was thrown to them without a proper "heads-up." It appeared to be shorter relative to the tibia than in modern man which, together with the structure of the metatarsal, indicated an inability to spring off the foot...a necessary prerequisite to running. The full picture began to unfold, however, when scientists reconstructed the pelvis and found a wear pattern consistent with hips being thrust out at bizarre angles during periods of locomotion. According to the chief archeologist, Dr. Will E. Fyndet, "This early hominid was clearly incapable of running as we know it but could walk very fast in what must have been a quite unique fashion."

Some scientists conjecture that these early "speed-walkers" went extinct for several reasons: while they could clearly dig for roots and grubs, big game such as gazelles and mastodons could have easily eluded them. In addition, it is thought that this awkward manner of walking would have dispelled any thought of sexual activity on the part of other hominid species. Other scientists, however, claim that the gene pool managed to survive with remnants having been recently spotted in suburban neighborhoods.

Replying to questions at his weekly news conference, the normally discreet winemaker for Cameron audaciously declared the 2000 vintage to be either "the vintage of the century" or "the last vintage of the past century", depending on your view of celestial time-keeping. After a recently completed political season in which candidates seemed to take all sides to any question, wine pundits were immediately celebrating the refreshingly straightforward proclamation put forth by the Dundee vintner. When pressed on the origin of his bold assertion, John Paul returned to a theme which the public seems to be embracing: "Prices must go up because it's just more expensive but I can promise you that they will come back down when it's not as expensive." With an eye on making a run for Machiavelian Prince in 2004 or, barring that, Chairman of the Cameron Safety Committee, it is considered significant that Paul is willing to stake out these courageous positions at this time.

Call me Kyle.
Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse, and nothing in particular to interest me in Portland, I thought I would navigate about a little and see the winery part of Oregon. It is a way I have of driving off the spirits, and regulating my circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly October; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before the California wine section, and lifting up the cover of every Wine Spectator I meet; and especially whenever my hippie ghosts get such an upper hand of me that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from going to a Grateful Dead concert, then I account it high time to get to the Oregon winery as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. If they but knew it, almost men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards Oregon wine with me.

There now is your insular destemmer, belted round by boxes of grapes as Indian isles by coral reefs. Right and left more grapes are being unloaded from the truck. Its extreme downtown falls through the floor, where the noble grape is received by the tank, and cooled by water which a few hours previous was far under the land. Look at the crowds of wine-gazers there.

Circumambulate the winery of a dreamy Sabbath afternoon. Go from the barrels of Arleys Leap to those of Clos Electrique, and from thence, by thePinot bianco, upstairs. What do you see?—Posted like silent sentinels around the winery, stand mortal men fixed in wine reveries. Some leaning against the piles (of debris); some seated upon the barrel heads; some looking over the bulwarks of the destemmer; some high aloft in the rafters, as if striving to get a still better peep. But these are all wine lovers; of week days pent up in offices and cubicles—tied to computers, nailed to swivel chairs, clinched to desks. How then is this? Are the wine bottles drained? What do they here?

But look! Here come more crowds, pacing straight for the destemmer, and seemingly bound for the noble grapes within. Strange! Nothing will content them but the extremist limit of the winery; loitering under the shady lee of yonder brewpubs will not suffice. No. They must get just as nigh the grapes in the destemmer as they possibly can without falling in. And there they stand—miles of them—leagues. Winelovers all, they come from lanes and alleys, streets and avenues—north, east, south and west. Yet here they all unite. Tell me, does the Miracle of Cameron attract them thither?

In a clever marketing maneuver, Red Bull caffeine-enriched sugar water sent two fabulous babes touring the Dundee Hills looking for male cellar workers. After "taking care" of the crew at Cameron, each worker was presented with a can of Red BULL -"I as a token of appreciation for a job well done. The crew, naturally, has become great fans of the product. Jennifer, who purportedly really likes her job, said "We plan to move across America promoting our product one customer at a time ... it's slow but very, very effective!"

With Fall upon us, we in the catalog business sense the thickening of your billfolds' contents and endeavor to relieve you of its weighty folds. We have focused on perfecting the details of this catalog so that, upon viewing it from a closer vantage point, you can appreciate the deeper thoughts that resonate through it or, in the words of Garth, "I just hope you don't think it sucks!"
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PLOW AND GARTH WINDOW

This one was made just for us, the old-fashioned way...stripped from a house and stuck on a chicken coop, the translucence metamorphosed to opaqueness before artist Wayne discovered that he could write letters on it with a wet finger. Very Limited.

P&G Window $575
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ULTIMATE REPOSE...THE DUNDEE ARM CHAIRS AND TABLE

While inhabiting the class of casual wrought iron furniture, the totally amazing Dundee Arm Chair errs on the side of elegance. The companion table won't make you hurl and might even support a vertical of Cameron Pinot noirs!

Table and Chairs $799
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NOSTALGIC KITCHEN SCALE AND POST HOLE DIGGER

A tonic in this überdigital age (shuh), this excellent scale is accurate to the nearest stone. Its companion, an age-old yet timeless digger, ushers us back to an era when French vignerors dug holes entirely by hand. Made of mahogany and hand-forged iron.

Scale and digger $2,199

Wayne and Garth demonstrate the penultimate line of our Fall/Winter casual country attire:

THE DUNDEE JEAN JACKET. Sandblasted cuffs and washed while stoned, this attractive and excellent all cotton denim serves as the workhorse of a Fall wardrobe (Oh yes, it can be yours).

THE YAMHILL RUNABOUT. Forged from durable steel, this classic could be a "must" after January 1. Totally amazing and Y2K compliant. Supplies limited.

THE MILLENNIUM JACKET. Gopher suede jacket puts the fur against the skin where it softly caresses...professionally clean only. Perfect for your next babefest.

BACKWOODS CHAINSAW. For arresting errant shrubbery, Garth's chainsaw is a welcome addition to any social gathering. Guaranteed to help pick up fabulous backwoods babes...schwing!

Dundee Jean Jacket $599
The Yamhill Runabout $1,499
The Millenium Jacket $999
Backwoods Chainsaw $1,199
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FORM MEETS FUNCTION

Prickly as a porcupine and certainly an attractive addition to any front porch, the most excellent "Millenium Mud Buster" is guaranteed to clean those grimmy wellies or destroy them in the process.

Millenium Mud Buster $149

WINE VINES FOR GRILLING (Not Pictured)

Vineyard cuttings are normally a pain to dispose of, however, a stroke of culinary genius by a California cooking catalog allows us to now get rid of the clippings and make money at the same time! These excellent sticks were gleaned from Clos Electrique and are guaranteed not to have been peed upon by either the winemaker or his dog. At Plow and Garth we believe that you have the innate intelligence to go out and find your own recipes so none are included.

Wine Vines $7.50
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PARTY ON AT THE POOLSIDE

The ideal summer sctting includes a babe-a-licious galvanized pool. Load up a tray with Cameron Pinot noir and some hors d'cevres and head on out to the pool for an afternoon in the sun (in Oregon? As if). Also doubles as a trash receptacle or hockey rink.

Galvanized pool & deck $2,999
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DUNDEE JARDINNIERE BUCKETS

Made of corrosion-resistant polypropylene, these attractive modern versions of old fashioned pails have a myriad of uses: turned upside down over your head, you can hear the ocean; they also hold dirt and water. Garth likes to paint the lids in bright colors to accent his babe lair.

8 Excellent Pails $159
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PALAIS DE TOILETTE EXTERIOR

A 1989 design from SE Foster and 122nd Ave., this rustic refuge from the pressures of life is roomy enough to accommodate magazines and a cell phone. Offers a safe, dry place for contemplation as well as a great place to play hide and seek. Roof, walls and door (optional) screw together in a few hours (and a monkey might fly out of my butt). Farmer's Almanac included. Please allow 6 weeks for delivery - not!

Toilette Exterior (72" high, 60" deep, 40" wide) $6,969
Door (68" high, 25" wide) $200

THE RECIPE
Broiled Gopher

Clean the gopher as soon as possible and then rub with salt and pepper. Brush with fat and garnish with zucchini blossoms and rosemary. Broil on High for 20 minutes , basting with the drippings every 5 minutes. Serve with Cameron ’95 Reserve Chardonnay.

Long derided as a mere garden pest, the friendly gopher is now poised to take its rightful place in creative kitchens. Among selected cultures, particularly in Appalachia and the Ozarks, the local epicures have long put the gopher on par with many other indulgent dishes...fried squirrels, roast possum and gator tail, to name but a few.

The complex flavors of gophers are released by using different cooking techniques. The more you work with them, the more character you'll find they add to your kitchen creations. A gopher served as an entree to those special guests is certain to gain you the attention you crave and richly deserve.

REMOVING WINE STAINS

Sooner or later, even the perfect host is forced to deal with a difficult red wine stain. We like to rub plenty of salt into the offended area followed by a healthy rinse with white wine.

Be sure and use a 1995 CAMERON CHARDONNAY so that the rest can be consumed while waiting for the stain to disappear.

Nothing defines the cycle of the seasons better than grapes. By watching my staff prune in the bitter cold of winter, cultivate in the rain and mud of Spring and spray chemicals in the heat and dust of summer, I derive immense pleasure from my vineyard.

Perhaps the best part of owning a vineyard comes in the Fall when I can invite my friends to share in the bounty of the harvest. This is the vineyard's most extraordinary moment, the time when the cycles of life and death curve sends its seasonal information bravely into the future packaged in a bottle of wine. Accepting the invitation means dressing in the proper attire for the occasion, however. This year, "French Country Peasant" is the absolute rage at Martha's Vineyard. A handwoven basket…available at import stores…and a pair of good quality secateurs complete the raiment.

When the harvest commences, the guests fall under the spell of the romantic grape, Lively chatter fills the air. After a morning's picking, I treat my guests to a simple peasant dish to take the edge off ravenous appetites. A light and elegant white wine, such as 1995 Cameron Chardonnay, adds zest to the repast without turning the whole affair into a Bacchanalian orgy. As the afternoon folds over into dusk, the guests, now sated on raw grapes, gather around the banquet table for a leisurely dinner.

As we approach the coming holiday season, I am reminded how lucky each of us is to have a staff of 15 to cater to our every need. Whether I am cleaning chandeliers, planting fall bulbs, making peanut brittle or having my leaf blower serviced, there is immense pleasure in having someone else do it.

So relax, sit back and have someone else pour you a glass of wine (preferably mine).

- Martha Cameron

It's Fall in Oregon. The sun is shining and the trees are displaying their plumage. Bill Hatcher slides behind the wheel of his late-model Volvo and starts the engine. His mind is on golf, he is reliving that 20-foot putt with a vicious break to the left. He pulls out of the driveway, barely glancing to the right, and heads down he road. He had read the green almost perfectly-almost, but the ball rimmed the cup and scooted 2 feet beyond. Perhaps just a bit too much power in the stroke, but that break to the left-man, he had read it perfectly.... A sign appears in a field on the right: "Hes coming." No apostrophe-why isn't there an apostrophe? Blood begins to rise up his neck, obliterating all thoughts of putting. A phone booth appearing ahead just off the highway invites the Volvo to come to a screeching halt. Hatcher races to the booth, where a flurry of activity ensues until finally, out of the chamber emerges that champion of cogitation, that animal of enlightenment, that leader of the literate: it's CAPTAIN ERUDITE! With pen in hand and a look of terror in his eyes, this pillar of pansophy is ready for action. To the uninitiated, it would appear that Captain Erudite is about to add an apostrophe to the offending sign. But, no, he is doing one better than that. He is dashing off a letter to that beacon of journalistic excellence: I am speaking, of course, of the Newberg Graphic.

His task is a daunting one, but Captain Erudite does not shirk from this duty. In any given week, the alert reader of the Graphic may well be treated to the latest blight on our verbal landscape. In a county replete with fundamentalist Christians, it is amazing how many Philistines still survive here. For those people driving out to tour the Oregon wine country, looking for misspelled signs has become the latest spectator sport. Look for them in the normal locations: certainly in front of restaurants and gas stations, in fields and along forested roads, but do not neglect to peruse signs in front of libraries and schools where the gaffs are often a bit subtler but surely more astounding given their location. Here in the age of the Internet, the Pentium chip and Call Waiting, it is difficult not to be appalled. But we have hit upon an alternative response, which is to treat the blunders as a source of entertainment. While we do not argue that nausea is an appropriate reaction in many instances, we do not recommend it while driving. In either case, the next time that you find yourself "on the Wine Trail", stay alert for errant signboards, stop in Newberg for an expresso and, by all means, keep your eyes open for Captain Erudite perusing the countryside for grammarian pho paws.

When Kai Schubert, a German enology student, was told that he would apprentice at a winery in the New World to augment his degree, he was looking for a "typical" small winery. He chose Cameron, much to our consternation. But as we could not talk him out of it, he arrived with boxes and crates, a portable PC, a fax machine and a modem and kind of moved in during the summer of 1995. "Moving in" at Cameron Winery basically means finding a comer of John Paul's office and blending in with the rest of the clutter. Kai did this without problem and was soon creating a significant quantity of entropy on his own. This, however, was soon dwarfed by the mass of confusion which became known as the "1995 Vintage."

The first grapes to come rolling in were of the red type and visibly bored young Kai (if you've ever had a Spatburgunder, the German rendition of Pinot noir, you will readily understand his reaction). But the warm rains of late September changed everything; as the sound, beautiful fruit turned pink with infections of Botrytis, Kai came alive. This was something that he understood. Nothing that I said could convince him that perhaps the wines would suffer with all of this Botrytis associated with them, did I not know that this was "Noble Rot?" Trochenbeeren and Beerenauslase, surely these are terms that the world is only waiting to embrace. No Kai, not in Pinot blanc, not in Chardonnay and certainly not in Pinot noir. Perhaps in Riesling but we don't even make a Riesling. You don't make a Riesling? Auch tu lieber, you don't make a Riesling? Nein, no Riesling. So, Kai set to work trying to make a Trochenbeeren Pinot blanc and a Trochenbeeren Chardonnay. Everything that we threw out from our sorting table became the property of Kai Schubert; the uglier the cluster, the more excited he got. All of those disgusting, shriveled, dried up grapes have been reduced to a five-gallon carboy happily fermenting along to an unknown destination.

And what did young Kai learn from his experience here? The weather here is just like Germany but, other than that, it's really not like Germany, except for the official from OSHA who paid a visit to the winery and maybe the official from the Department of Agriculture who also paid a visit to the winery (and, happily, no one from BATF showed up to be compared). The winery isn't clean like in Germany (it's more like one of those disgusting French places); the crew is almost always late to work and their efficiency goes to Hell after lunch when wine (or beer) is generally consumed to add perspective to the task. Actually, Kai rather readily adapted to the latter custom, and, over time carne to like being late to work and by the end of harvest his comer was probably the most disgusting part of the winery.

So, we at Cameron Winery are convinced that the French had it all wrong fighting their numerous wars with Germany. It was merely a matter of inviting them into their cellars and making them see that a life of debauchery was far more pleasant than one of efficiency.

Metric tons of cork produced annually in County Cork, Ireland : 0
Cost of a serving of foie gras at Tina's in Dundee : $12.50
Cost of a serving of gizzards in Newberg : $1.99
Cost to Cameron for a Federal license to produce wine as a percent of the cost to Gallo : 50
Amount of wine produced by Cameron, as a percent of that vinted by Gallo : 0.000023
Percentage of Congressmen who believe that we compete on a level field : 55
Average price of a French oak barrel in 1984 : $250
In 1995 : $625
Size of an espresso in Milan : 1/2 ounce
In Sherwood, Oregon : 12 ounce
Number of Oregon vineyardists in Tehran during the hostage crisis : 2
Percentage of OLCC employees with a pension plan : 100
Percentage of Oregon winery employees with a pension plan : 25
Ratio of the price of an ounce of gold to an ounce of Clos Electrique : 350 / 1
Number of different types of firearms for sale in Newberg : 400
Number of different types of cheeses : 12
Number of functioning, privately owned military tanks in Yamhill County : 1
Odds that a gov't wine inspector is also familiar with anti-tank guns, in the US : 1 in 3
In France: 1 in 400
Percentage of BATF agents who say they would rather inspect alcohol than firearms : 112
Cost of an Amos grape destemmer : $ 11,000
Avg. annual number of hours it is used at Cameron : 24
Cost of a Health Dept. permit to serve hard cheese at a winery : $0
To serve soft cheese : $105
Percent chance that you'll have an orgasm after drinking Cameron wine : 95
Percent chance you'll be with a partner when the above happens : 50
Legal age in Oregon for a person to sell/serve liquor at a restaurant-lounge : 18
Legal age in Oregon for a person to work in a winery : 21
Percentage of wineries in Oregon who pay attention to this law : 5
Pounds of grapes that can be picked by a Hispanic worker in one day : 2,400
By a Gringo : 850
Luncheon noise level, in decibels, at Tina's restaurant in Dundee on Wednesday : 94
Any other day of the week : 73
Rank of Wednesday as the favorite day for local winegrowers to meet in Dundee for lunch: 1
Number of times Bob Packwood has gotten grabby after drinking California Cabernet : 24
Number of times after drinking Cameron Pinot noir : 0
Number of Cameron's Index items proposed by irresponsible friends which we did not use due to possible liability problems : 22
Figures cited are the latest available as of May 1995.
Any questions on the accuracy of the above information should be forwarded to the offices of Consolidated Screw & Bolt, P.O. Box 371, Dundee, Oregon 97115.
Please enclose $10 for beer and return postage. If female, we encourage you to also include a swimsuit photo to qualify for a position on the Cameron Vintage '95 Swim Team.
(Sorry, photos become property of the Cameron winecellar staff and their friends and cannot be returned)

The 'Y' Chromosome

London- In rare display of public disclosure, Lady Di admitted that she had found a Pinot that smelled better than that which her husband continually presented to her: “It’s a little funky but it brings out the woman in me!” Reached at his Windsor Estate, Charles admitted that what he had to offer to Di was a bit flabby in the finish. However, he dismissed her comments as those of a jaded woman: “Certainly a clean Pinot would be a top priority for a real princess!” The tete-a-tete between the royal hubbie and wife is expected to continue.

Alert Bung staff members have uncovered a daring project at Cameron Winery. Under the cover of building “just a cave to store some of our wine,” it appears that the owners of Cameron Winery are preparing for the BIG ONE. When asked about the excessive quantity of rebar which was going into the construction, Dochez deflected the question with one of his own: “Have you tried the new Clos Electrique? It’s shocking!” After sampling the 5 barrels of this stellar new wine, our reporters forgot why they were there. However, subsequent investigation revealed that Cameron had no plans to increase their production and owners Dochez and Wayne referred to the cave as a good place to “hang out.” Furthermore, it was learned that the local Mormon ward was moving toward tacit approval of Cameron wines for medicinal purposes. When questioned further, Dochez admitted that the “wine cave” would, in fact, hold about a congregation of people but added, “Hey! Have you tried that ’93 Abbey Ridge still in barrels? It’s amazing wine.”

The Oregon State Highway Department has announced an open competition to select seven chefs for its Fall Possum Promotion. The kickoff dinner titled, appropriately, It's Probably Possum! is scheduled for later in the season once the winning recipes are chosen, Due to recent budget rollbacks, the Department is no longer funding several aspects of its maintenance program. However, taking a lesson from the Forest Service, the Highway Department is now trying to promote the state's highways as a multi-use resource. Willis ("Just Call Me Bud') Hardwell, Superintendent, offered this explanation:

"With famine occurring in parts of Africa and Clatsop County, we have to begin looking beyond the automobile as merely an instrument of transportation."

Lottery dollars will cover costs incurred by the Touring Chefs Program as it visits Coast Range highways during November and December, months when these roads are at their darkest and slickest. A cookbook will be available free to the general public by calling toll-free: 1-800-MAR-SOUP.

How a Dundee Winemaker Scored B-I-G with Matt Kramer INSIDE!

As it turned out, we didn't need to go far in our search for wild yeasts. They were right there in the vineyard cleverly concealed on the skins of our grapes. We found that they foraged on exactly the same diet as our domestic yeasts but their flavors were, well, a bit gamy! The accepted lore amongst keepers of domestic yeasts has been that wild yeasts do not do well in captivity. While we did find individuals among the wild yeasts who performed poorly in the spaces which we provided, most did extremely well.

The intrepid band of adventurers from Cameron have found several different habitats with wild yeasts lurking therein.

1991 CHARDONNAY RESERVE: 40% of this habitat was influenced by wild yeasts with the balance conceded to their domestic cousins (some imported from as far away as Australia). Toasty, wild aromas and a creamy, soft texture dominate this year's Reserve. Limited numbers make this a Threatened Species.

1991 PINOT NOIR ABBEY RIDGE: Sophisticated and elegant even though it’s completely wild; this is the best year that Abbey Ridge has produced. It provides an ecosystem full of lavender and spices planted on rich earth. We've even left some of the wild yeasts, on the bottom of the bottle for your viewing pleasure. Threatened.

1991 CLOS ELECTRIQUE: Wild and crazy guys come from this vineyard; they smell like dark roasted coffee with black cherries thrown in for good measure. This is not for the faint of heart. A top rate ecosystem but requiring definite limits on the chase. Endangered.

1990 CLOS ELECTRIQUE: Softer than 1991 but still plenty firm, the wild yeasts this year produced vanishingly small quantities. Severely Endangered.

NONVINTAGE PINOT NOIR: Take various habitats and years from above and throw them together. This is a surprisingly complex habitat and one which has become increasingly popular at Cameron.

We wish you happy hunting but, please, take only what you intend to consume!

Deep Throat came to Dundee in September. While trying to impress visiting distributors with his prowess at tasting winegrapes in the vineyard, the wizard of ozzie wines (Rollin Solles/Argyle) inadvertantly sswallowed an earwig. The earwig set up residence in his trachea and refused to leave. Not wishing to lose a possible sale, Rollin avoided disgorging the invader initially but later found that it was happily ensconced somewhere down around his uvula. He was forced to live in peaceful coexistance with it until his gastric juices finally dissolved it sometime in the middle of the night.

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The crew from Noble Wines in Seattle came to visit in October. They were interested in the French winemaking term "Pigeage" which is a highly traditional way of making Pinot noir. After a few less-inhibited members of the troop agreed to personally demonstrate the technique, we were able to charge admission to the balance. 1992 Abbey Ridge Pinot noir is certain to be a wine of depth with subtle nuances of flavor and aroma.

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John Thomas, aka Acme Wineworks, got his winery licensed. The health inspector was a bit dubious about a few items until John presented him with milk and cookies. The idea was passed on to John from another local vineyardist/winemaker , Michael Edtzel. As a result several wineries in this are are now deducting expenditures for milk and cookies under "License and Fees."

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Ernest is a dog of limited brains. In fact, teaching a Bassett a new trick is a bit like trying to teach an ant. His recent discovery of electricity was therefore a shockingly significant event. When his nose touched the electric fence on that fateful, Ernest was well grounded. For a brief moment, he was transformed to a pointer--tail erect, head forward, body rigid (admittedly a very short pointer); this form gave way quickly to a classic "Yip Yap" and finally settled back to a somewhat wizer Bassett. This has us excited about the prospect of training our ants to clean up the tasting room.

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"THE ULTIMATE IN MOBILE HOME LIVING" is what the sign says and Dundee Mobile Estates is certainly that. View lots sport a panorama of the decaying trailer park next door and the rusting nut-drier shed across the street. Best of all is the proximity to Bill's Market where one can readily procure worms, twinkees and "Bud."

It started out as a volcanic protuberance, a pimple on the face of adolescent earth. It endured inclement weather and floods, decomposed a bit on the surface, sprouted a layer of trees and then suffered the fate of many promising pieces of mother earth --- it was overrun by a band of Scotsmen who, after sampling wild, hallucinogenic mushrooms from its flanks, decided that it reminded them of home. So it became the Hills of Dundee and, appropriately was found conducive to growing nuts.

However, in its very recent history an eccentric arrived with the unlikely combination of being from Utah and being possessed with visions of great wine. It is part of the human experience that one eccentric generally draws others of similar nature. Consequently the Dundee Hills now serves as a refuge for a variety of idiosyncratic individuals, all engaged in the search for the holy grail of Pinot noir.

They come from disparate places and backgrounds, a folk singer from Iowa, a car junky from Pasadena, a marine biologist from Arizona, a poet from Lansing, a Texan from Australia and an oil-geologist from Michigan. In most cases, their egos are small enough to allow them to name their operations after themselves. They argue and pontificate about the proper way to arrive at great Pinot noir and each truly believes that his results vindicate his approach (as well as his appropriate high price!). And just as the Burgundians have their "terroir" which cannot be duplicated, so the Dundee Hills has its eccentrics which no one would want to duplicate!

Cameron Geographic Society

California will secede by default!" This earth-shaking prediction was proffered recently by sometime fortune-teller Pteri "The Pterminator" Wadsworth. When asked what this meant for the average people living in California, she suggested that perhaps they should consider consuming their cellars of Mouton, Romanee-Conti and Cameron in the near future. Quoth Pteri, "Of course, this is bad news for us Cabernet drinkers."

In an exclusive to the BUNG it was reported that Gov. Bill Clinton was seen several years ago actually drinking Pinot Noir. The enological bombshell was dropped recently at a Cabernet tasting at which the candidate moved quickly to disarm charges. Said Clinton, "I have lusted after Pinot Noir many times; I have even progressed to the point of sniffing and slurping; but I can assure you that I have never swallowed any." Quipped an aid to Gov. Clinton: "Bill's just like an old tobacco chewer - he takes a licking and keeps on spitting!"

As seen on TV!

Preface

Those of you familiar with our previous edition of Nouvelle Cuisine for Travellers will be familiar with the format used in this new edition, which is dedicated to Italian cuisine. This guide will help you to survive in upscale Italian restaurants. In fact, if you make diligent use of our phrases and reveal your knowledge of the menu items listed herein, you are guaranteed an evening beyond your imagination. For best results, we recommend that you effect attitudes and mannerisms consistent with real live Italians. This includes, but is not limited to, extensive use of one's hands and loud and boisterous behavior.

About the Menu

Upon arriving at the restaurant it is necessary to establish early on that you are aware that some items on the menu are actually food while others are not. As with the previous edition we have taken the liberty to include a small "e" (edible) or "n" (not) next to each item. First find one of the nonedible items on your menu, for example, Denti di Elefante. When the waiter approaches the table point to that item on the menu, laugh loudly and exclaim, "What happens when an elephant steps on you?" The waiter will pretend to not understand what you are talking about so as not to alert unwary guests. Give him a knowing wink and your evening will be off to a great start. If he continues to stand there with an incredulous look on his face, this is a way of signaling you to pick one more nonfood item from the menu (in more primitive species this is referred to as "establishing dominance"). The more difficult item that you can pick at this point, the greater will be your dominant position. For example, pointing to "coppa di fili" and loudly exclaiming, "'Coppa di fili'...hey, isn't that tor the hack of a movie theatre? Ha, ha!" will establish your place in the restaurant for the balance of the evening and win you the respect and admiration of other restaurant patrons.

Because we want you to receive full credit for your restaurant prowess (and because our lawyers have insisted on it) we refuse to take credit for any results which you may achieve by using our guide.

Antipasti

Bagna Cauda (n) Italian Document written in 1215
Pane alla Salvia (n) Spit Bucket
Frutti di Mare (e) Mr. Ed's Wife

Primi Piatti

Vermicelli (e) Rodents with large violins
Denti di Elefante (n) What happens when an elephant steps on you
Gnocco uopo (e) Spumanti and no prophylactics
Consomme marinara (e) Wedding night activity
Crema di fagioli bicolore Even Cameron won't touch this
Pesto (n) What an Italian magician says

Secondi Piatti

Spezzatino di Polla (e) Chicken sperm
Trippa alla funghi (e) Hallucinogenic mushrooms
Culingiones Pecarino (e) Abnormal, wrong, and perverse behavior
Anitra Arrosto con ButaEuoco (n) Senate Judiciary Committee
Oca Conservata (e) Goose with 2 right wings

Dolci

Monte Bianca (n) What Mick Jagger did with his ex-wife
Torta di Noci (n) Street Walker
Carteddate (n) What the waiter does to an underaged date
Lamponi (n) Italian humor magazine
Granita (n) Rocks

Bevande

Coppa di fili (n) What you do in the back of a movie theatre
Suovo Affecto (n) Alberto Tombo
Cynar (n) One who hath fallen short of the glory of God

Diversi

"Vorrei noleggiare una macchina" Watch it, that machine could cut your legs off.
"Da dove viene questo vino?" Did that bird just shit in your wine?
"Per favore, mi porti una caraffa di spumanti" Please bring me something to spit into.
"Il cibo e Freddo" You'll find it at Freddy's
"Quelle grappa era e il carburane piumorbida" That grappa was the smoothest rocket fuel
"...che abbia mai assaggiato." ...I've ever tasted.

Each Spring and Fall, Cameron releases a new set of wine and, as the winemaker, I am expected to drone on regarding the attributes of each of these products. But why should you believe me? Consider that I have a financial stake in this thing. It's not like I'm going to say "Well, the latest release smells like urine but I don't think you'll die from it!" Instead, I would say something like "an interesting aroma sure to generate conversation among your guests." Having been recently inspired by the honesty and candor of our presidential candidates, I decided to take a new and fresh approach in describing my wines for this Fall's Release. I have gone to my cellar crew--temporary, part-time employees, the people who actually make the wine at Cameron, get no credit for it and are paid minimal substandard wages; in short, real people (ie Perot volunteers). Here is what Matt Sage and Linda Clark have to say:

1989 CLOS ELECTRIQUE

The vineyard at the winery has an electric fence running around it to keep the deer out. After consuming a fair quantity of wine one evening, John and Teri and Bill and Julia hit upon the name Clos Electrique. The Pinot noir was planted in 1985 and many of you have seen it struggle along. It is a blend of all the clones that Bill and John could come up with including some very low-yielders gleaned

Preface

In preparing this edition of Nouvelle Cuisine for Travellers, we had in mind the unwary couple from Des Moines who find themselves in an upscale restaurant with no idea how to interpret the menu, let alone knowing how to behave in a proper manner. We have taken into consideration a wealth of suggestions received from veteran phrase-book users. Unfortunately, as a first-edition guide to surviving Nouvelle Cuisine, we cannot predict the response which you might receive to any given phrase, but we can guarantee that you will receive a response!

What's on the Menu?

Our menu is presented according to courses. If you get stuck on one of our courses, you may want to show it to the waiter; then again, you may want to keep it to yourself.

The wary traveler will notice that many items on the menu are not food at all but simply put there to slip you up and reveal your ignorance to the wait staff. A small "e" (edible) or "n" (not edible) has been placed after each item to assist in this regard.

Mastering the tricky menus at Nouvelle Cuisine establishments will start you down that road to intimidating waiters while you impress your date.


Appetizers

Beignet aux champignons (e) Wheaties
Beluga (e) Whale (avoid this one)
Capucine Muscovite (e) Russian coffee
Cruditds (n) Dirty Jokes
Crabe b la Parisienne (n) Citizen of Paris
Moule Crue (n) Team of Asses
Tomate au Than A la Mayonnaise (e) Tomato with tons of mayonnaise

Beverages

Babeurre (n) Elephant stories
Ch6vre au Lait (n) American Car
Jus de fruits (e) Just Fruit

Main Courses

Blanquefte de Veau A I'ancienne (n) Old Bed Spread
Chamois au Roux de Morbier (e) Wash Cloth with Road Kill
Crevette en Brochette (n) Necktie on a skewer
Hachis de Bmuf (e) Beef cooked in Marijuana
Lou Maigret (n) Ex-prime minister's bathroom
Timbale de jambon (n) Musical Instrument

Side Dishes & Breads

Pain Fantaisie (n) Whips and Chains
Pain Polka (n) Lawrence Welk Show
Polenta (e) Some kind of Chicken dish

Desserts

Bombe Grenade (e) Killer Dessert
Cittronnat (n) French Astronaut
Coupe Jacque (n) Winery Delivery Vehicle
Dame Blanche (e) Clarence Thomas's Wife
Gateau Framboise (e) Flaming Cat
Negre en Chemise (e) Black lady in her underwear
Pais Condi (?) Pear with Rubber Coating
Tarte Maison (e) House of ill repute

Useful Complaints and Comments

In spite of the assistance lent by this guide, you may find yourself in a situation where a complaint or comment in French might be useful to gaining the upper hand. The following French phrases will be sure to bring you results:

"Envoyez-moi donc le maitre d'h6tel." Bring me the jackass who runs this joint.
"Gardez la monnaie." Watch the cash register; someone's up to no good.
"Au secours!" Could I have seconds?
"Les c6teleftes sont trop cuites." The waitresses here are really cute.
"J'ai faim." I'm gay.

(listed alphabetically)

CAMERON WINERY

Situated in the Dundee Hills, this winery is worth a journey, but only on selected days (the caretaker and his family are known to be suitably hostile to visitors who arrive on the wrong day). In Spring, a notable fest occurs on MAY DAY WEEKEND, the first weekend in May, from noon to 5 Pm. As an example, the following event is scheduled for May 4 - 5, 1991:

Cameron will be introducing several new wines to the public at this time. Some are in limited supply and may be available only on this weekend. Local food purveyor, Ron Bronlewee of Cheshire Cat in Portland, will be sampling and selling pate and cheese to go with the wines.

1990 PINOT BLANC. - The third vintage of this new Oregon varietal and one which shows beautiful apply aromas; this year they managed to produce a whopping 85 cases. Tastes will be sold accompanied with a grilled prawn to demonstrate the adaptiveness of this varietal with seafood .             $11.00/bottle

1989 CHARDONNAY. - Emanating principally from Weber and Dundee Hills Vineyards and receiving one full year in French oak on the yeast lees (sediment), this is typical Cameron Chardonnay with bready aromas and a rich, full mouth $13.00/bottle

NV CHARDONNAY. - This year's nonvintage Chardonnay has approximately 35% '89 vintage fruit and the balance from 1990. It has pretty fruit aromas and a full mouth. You can't beat it for the price .             $ 7.50/bottle

1989 PINOT NOIR. - Another exceptional vintage from unexceptional yields (less than 1.5 tons per acre); this wine emanates from Abbey Ridge and Weber Vineyards. It received 16 months in French oak barrels before being carefully racked and bottled without filtration. This wine has pretty aromas of cherry, anise and spice somewhat reminiscent of Cameron 1988 Pinot noir but with a bit more stuffing in the mouth             $13.00/bottle

1988 PINOT NOIR RESERVE. - Just released to the trade, this wine was featured in a pre-release to the public at Thanksgiving. Approaching 1 year in the bottle, it is starting to sing for a supper. One of Cameron's best, it displays very concentrated fruit and an uncharacteristic soft finish             $19.00/bottle

NOTE: Since the winery is also open to the (gasp) General Public on this weekend, please present this tourist guide to anyone who looks like they may be in charge so that you won't be charged!

1988 CHARDONNAY RESERVE:
The yield was a scant 1 ton per acre so the quantity produced is miniscule but I think that it is my best effort for this variety to date. This wine was left on its original fermentation lees (sediment)in the barrel for 18 months. The result of light yield and long aging is a wine of great depth and complexity very much in the style of a Cote de Beaune from Puligny.

1989 PINOT BLANC:
Made in the style of the Pinot Biancos from Friuli in Northern Italy, this variety is the world's best accompaniment to seafood (no kidding!). Lean in the mouth and showing aromas of a fresh pippin apple, this wine cries for food. Cameron is Oregon's largest producer of Pinot Blanc (maybe that's because we're just about the only producer). Only 44 cases produced from this vintage.
LIMIT 3 BOTTLES PER CUSTOMER

1988 PINOT NOIR RESERVE:
It's mostly from Abbey Ridge Vineyards and the yield in 1988 was less than 1.5 tons per acre. High notes of lavender, so characteristic of this vineyard, are just now starting to show through over the full cherry aromas. This wine is quite soft (characteristic of the 1988 vintage) but just enough tannins to carry it through most of this decade. It's still a baby but what the heck, the holidays are here, so let's go for it!

NONVINTAGE PINOT NOIR:
Take a barrel of 1987 Pinot noir for structure, throw in several barrels of 1988 Pinot noir for aroma and depth and round it out with 1989 Pinot noir, all from the Dundee Hills, and you have one hell of a wine for the price.

RE-RELEASES (is there such a word?)

1985 CHARDONNAY RESERVE:
I've been sitting on this and there are a few people out there who have been waiting for me to get tired of sitting on it. There's not a lot but it is, frankly, pretty good and still getting better.
VERY LIMITED • 3 BOTTLE LIMIT PER CUSTOMER (as long as supplies last)

1985 EUGENIA BOTRYTIS RIESLING:
The aroma is of honey and apricots and the color is a brilliant golden-orange. This is what Botrytis Riesling is supposed to be all about (and it's why I don't make a lot of noise that I still have some-it will undoubtedly continue to improve for several more years).
4 BOTTLE LIMIT PER CUSTOMER
375 ml

Now Playing at a Winery Near You

They Shoot Winemakers, Don't They?
Hannah and Her Sippers
Taming of the Cru
Kramer vs. Cameron
Pinot Blanca
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Eyrie
Cameron Wine Fever
The Big Spill
Miracle on Ninth Street
Last Temptation of Cameron

Cameron Abbey Ridge

SIDE ONE

Baby, You Can Drink My Chard
Give Pinot a Chance
Day Sipper
Maxwell's Silver Palate
Getting Better All the Time
Hey, Bungalow Bill, What Did You Spill?

SIDE TWO

I Want to Hold Your Pinot
Looking Through a Young Glass Bung
And Another Clue Yet, The Walrus is Lett
Pinot Lane
All You Need is Cash
Don't Pass Me By
The End