Cameron Winery -- sustainably farmed, non-irrigated, Oregon pinot noir and chardonnay

Q: Even though it isn’t real news, I sometimes watch Sixty Minutes on television. They were recently talking about two French doctors who said that drinking red wine actually reduces heart attacks (I think the name of the show was “Me French Pair a Docs,” if that helps). Anyway, they said that there are things in wine which make your heart go kind of like “chug a lug” instead of “gurgle ayeee.” Is this true? How much do I have to take and is some wine better than others? Are you really a doctor?

-Moonunic, Eugene

A: Gosh, that’s a lot of questions, but here goes. Yes it’s true that wine is good for the heart. Being a complex milieu containing hundreds of different natural products, it is hard to know exactly which individual compounds or combinations are responsible for wine’s salubrious effects. However, analogues of salicylate (the active ingredient in aspirin) are among the compounds found in wine. Some wines are definitely better than others and, in fact, the entire price structure of the world wine trade is now based on the quantity of therapeutic chemicals contained in the respective wines. Thus you need less of a $30 wine than you do of an $8 wine to keep your heart pumping happily along. If you take it by the tablespoon, a bottle of Clos Electrique could last a very long time. And as to your final question: My wife will tell you that I often like to play doctor, but you can rest assured that I am the real thing.

Q: What are putons and where do they come from? My big sister, Lola, tells me that they have taken over my body since I hit puberty. Should I be worried?

-Butch in Cleveland

A: Putons (pronounced PEW-tons) are subatomic particles found throughout the uncivilized world. They are particularly prevalent in male locker rooms. Nuclear physicists have generally had a difficult time recognizing them, but this is probably due to the presence of antiputons which bind irreversibly to putons, rendering them impossible to detect. You sister is probably correct but there is no need to be unduly alarmed. If you hang around with other males your own age, no one will even notice the presence of your particular putons. It should be noted that young males often overreact to the presence of putons on their bodies and apply excessive quantities of antiputons which then may attack foreign olfactory cells. As an antidote to the condition of hyperantipution I recommend washing your armpits with Pinot blanc (Chardonnay may be used as a substitute but be sure that you get a brand without residual sugar).

By the way, Butch, is it true that smoking is banned within two blocks of the Cuyahoga River?

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Grateful thanks go out to Bung‘s roving correspondent John Thomas and the Wednesday Lunch Group at Tina’s. Teri Wadsworth provided ideas and inspiration; sleaze control and layout were handled by David Boicourt. Models provided by Julian’s of Dundee; hair by Skippy’s.